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When I’m No Longer Binge Eating I Will…

dancing after overcoming a food addiction

Just like I do each and every week for some binge eating newsletter inspiration, I was looking through past binge eating journals. One that I came across was titled, “What Will I Do Once I’m Healthy”.

Here are some things on my list:

  • Take a belly dancing class
  • Tuck in my shirt
  • Go shopping like I used to and grab things off the rack without worrying whether or not they’ll fit
  • Wear shorts & dresses without worrying about my legs
  • Wear tank tops without worrying about my arms
  • Take a pole dancing class
  • Buy clothes that fit me well and look great
  • Run a marathon
  • Participate in things instead of being afraid of looking stupid or not being able to do something because of my weight.
  • Feel good in a bathing suit
  • Find cute clothes in a boutique where they usually only have small sizes
  • I want to be out in public without having to be thinking about sucking in my belly to make the fat rolls disappear from other people’s sight.
  • I want to feel healthy and careless
  • Take a ballet class

Just last night, I took my first-ever pole dancing class with some of my girl friends. It was so fun and I wondered to myself why I hadn’t tried doing this before. I’m sure you can think of a lot of things that you want to do, but feel you can’t because you have binge eating disorder.

The thing is, binge eating disorder obviously affects your weight, but it also affects your self-esteem. It makes you immediately have an excuse as to why you can’t try something new.

“I’m not good enough.”
“I’ll look stupid.”
“Everyone will be in shape.”
“I won’t be able to do it.”
“I’ll be the largest person there.”
“I don’t deserve to do xyz.”

There are always excuses as to why you shouldn’t do something… and excuses get in the way of you living your life. Who says you can’t try something new just because you have binge eating disorder? Tell yourself that you can and you should!

Even last night, before the pole dancing class, I thought to myself, “What if everyone is so toned and in shape that I stick out and look stupid?” and then I realized that I was being stupid. Who cares if someone is more toned than I am. What does it really matter? There will always be someone more toned than I am and that’s okay.

What matters is that I was out trying something new. I wasn’t sitting on the couch watching television. I was out there and I get an “E” for effort for at least getting out there.

I used to think of a saying when I first got into running. I was always embarrassed because I jogged so slow and wondered if people in their cars or running were judging me in their head. And then I started thinking… Who cares if I’m slow? I’m lapping the person sitting on the couch or driving in their car.

And it’s true. I was lapping them, no matter how slow I was jogging.

You can’t measure yourself by the fact that you don’t have a healthy relationship with food. It’s not who you are and it certainly does not define you. Same goes for other people. Don’t think about what they might say or not say. Just focus on you. Focus on trying something new and being proud of yourself. Focus on getting off of the couch. Remember that every great person started out as a beginner too.

And for the record, when I got to pole dancing class last night, I had fun. I never once thought about how the girl in front of me might be laughing at me because I couldn’t get my spin. She wasn’t focused on me; she was busy trying to get her moves down.

So I encourage you to start checking things off of your “when I get healthy, I will…” list.

Start living in the present and trying new things now!

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Leave A Reply (5 comments So Far)


  1. Enlightened Up
    2 years ago

    You. Are. Amazing.

    …but you are recovered now right? I binge eat every night Kristin. I mean as in I go out and buy bags (yes, bags) of chocolate and cookies and eat it every night. To the point of sickness. I feel so sick again right now and feel like I need to purge it’s so bad. But it doesn’t matter. I’m still bloated and gray and ugly…I’ve been doing this for a full year straight. Every day I say I must change – I’m falling apart – and I don’t. I feel so hopeless, I panic no matter what I try to do. I have to turn to it. I give in. I feel as though even if I were to eat healthy and stop now, it’ll take years to “cleanse” myself of all the damage and disgust in it…I’m so scared but mostly so angry with myself. For making excuses. For thinking one more day won’t matter…I’m sick. And I feel that even if I do try to change it’s too late. I need a year just to return to me – and I don’t have that. I need to function in life and be around people. But I feel like garbage and worthless.


  2. momof2
    2 years ago

    Enlightened Up: Yes, from what I’ve read, Kristen has recovered from this. I too am in the same boat as you. I take two steps forward and 20 back. Just this morning, I planned my binge after taking the kids to school. I got two doughnuts and chocolate milk. I hid sweets in my purse and eat them at night in bed while reading and shaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle. I pray and let it go, but then pick it right back up. Something tells me deep inside that I’m not worth it but I should know better by now that I am worth it. It’s hard. Hang in there. You are not alone.


  3. lucy
    2 years ago

    Well you are right. The thing is binge eating steals your self worth and you being overweight does not help matters. So you always feel the odd one out. Imagine going pole dancing in that weight , the pole might as well fall from the ceiling, all that weight on it? When you R recovered seems a suitable time to do all the things on your list for instance because youll B all thinned up. But that shouldnt B so. While on the road to recovery one should embark on a journey of falling in love with themselves, learning to accept, approve and nurture the self. Learning to be fair to themselves and have confidence(trust) in their abilities. Learning to be good to themselves and it starts with realising that by binge eating you are abusing your self, and this the binge eater somewhat knows thats why doing it hurts. Next , let yourself do the things you desire to do now, not when you are slimmed down but now , cause life is too short and a gift that you just cannot enjoy it. Who said the jouney was meant to be a smooth sail this is the binge eaters rough patch and it can be overcome through loving yourself.


  4. Ira
    2 years ago

    Hello guys. I have decided to read about binge eating and share my struggles with it. Today actually just now I have binged on cookies, ice cream peanut (everything that is my hell) and I wanted to binge especially knowing that my husband is gone and my baby girl fell asleep. But I am choosing not to, I am so tired of always trying to diet and lose weight and always ending up overeating and binging. I am ready to be free but its s hard, especially not getting enough sleep and rest ( i have a 6 month old who is teething now, my poor sweet baby :)
    I am so happy I have found Kristin sharing forum. iTS A GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!


  5. Kristin Gerstley
    2 years ago

    Enlightened Up & momof2 – Yes, momof2 is correct. I am fully recovered and have been for many years now. Even though I am recovered, I know where are you coming from. I know exactly what you mean when you say that one more day won’t matter – I was there too, and there are many others there right now. Please know that it is NEVER too late to make a change. Never. You can do it. I’m so sorry that you feel so poorly about yourself – that’s exactly what BED does to a person. Is there one thing that you would like to change (start small) and can focus on? Maybe it’s something like not saying negative things about yourself. I remember that negative self-talk was really harmful to how I thought & perceived myself… and then it would always turn into a binge. Please know that you guys aren’t alone and I would love to help y’all any way that I can.

    lucy – I see what you are saying about being overweight and trying new things. It’s a lot easier since I’m recovered and free from BED, but I still think that people should go out and try new things. It gives you a different perspective and you start to see yourself in a new light. It’s definitely something positive. In my pole dancing class, for example, there were a few overweight girls in there and they rocked the pole. When you love yourself, you can do anything.

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