Binge Eating Made Me Hate The Person I Had Become

image of a binge eater feeling alone struggling to come to terms with binge eating disorder.

Hi! I hope that you are having a great week! I wanted to do something different for the newsletter this week and I really hope that you will find it beneficial (and be able to relate to parts of it too). While I hear from many people that it is very inspiring for them to receive my newsletters because of motivation, I think it’s also important for you to really know where I came from before I got to where I am now.

I have been binge-free for over 7-years and I have never felt better… and I think that you know that by reading my newsletters and my blog. I’ve regained my life back and I am now the one that is in full control of food, not vice versa. I think that I do a good job of showing you what it is like to live a binge-free life (and I hope that you agree!).

I can’t help but wonder though… You need to know how I was before I got to where I am now. You need to know what it was like for me when I was struggling just like you might be… And that’s just what I want to share with you today. Of course my eBook does a great job of showing you where I came from, but for those of you who haven’t gotten it yet or just need help – Let me share a few things with you from my journal.

Most of you know that I am a firm believer in keeping a journal daily when trying to overcome binge eating disorder. It’s one of the most therapeutic things you can do for yourself. It makes your food and thought patterns apparent and gives you more precise insight to why you are bingeing. It’s just such an awesome tool!!

Well, it’s time for me to pull out some of my old journal entries and share with you just a little bit from my past… Ready?? (I’m just copying what I wrote years ago, so excuse any language, grammar, etc – It’s a journal entry, not a book ;)

Also note that if you subscribe to my newsletter, you had a chance to read some of my other journal entries.  The entires below have never been shared before…

My Binge Eating Disorder Journal Entries

I’m not sure why I have turned to food in the past. If something good happens – great, I stop and celebrate by eating. If something not-so-great happens, I will comfort myself by eating. Since none of my friends are like this, I feel so alone.

While my friends were worrying about their 26-inch waist, I watched mine grow past a 32-inch. A 32 is the largest size for jeans by most designers. Do they even know how embarrassing it is to be at Nordstroms, have 5 pairs of 32’s, and have none of them fit?

What has happened to me?

Instead of vowing to lose weight, I binge. I don’t need anyone to remind me that I’ve gained weight – I’ve got a mirror, thanks. All of my friends are skinny and they all worry if they are fat. They are a size 0 or a 2 – If they are fat at that size, what does that make me??

I am so disgusting and feel so sick. Why is my life like this? What is wrong with me? I hate my day-to-day life. I hate not having any control. I hate what I see in the mirror. I just hate it all. I feel so lost right now. No direction and no motivation. I just don’t care what happens.

I think that I just need to accept that I will always be like this. I will never get better and that’s that. I’m so frustrated with everyone and everything in my life. Is this how it is to grow up? You realize that life gets harder and become more and more confused about things that you thought you were sure of before??

I think that I’m just a messed up person – I mean there is something seriously wrong with me. How come it had to be food? Not drugs, alcohol, or even sex… at least you can abstain from those. Nope, I had to have issues with food… something I need to survive. Great. Why can’t I be normal? If I had to have a food problem, why couldn’t I at least be skinny and have lack of food?

I just ate so much food. I had a bean burrito, soft taco, nachos, cheddar peppers with ranch, tator tots with cheese, quarter pounder, fries, and a dr. pepper. Oh yeah, from 3 different places. Normal people go to 1 place, get 1 meal, and are done. Not me. I have to go to 3 places, hide the bags of food in my car, and race home. WHY??????

I absolutely hate the person I am.

I bought a card today. At first it was for Rob because I wanted to tell him thank you for being so supportive of everything. The card I picked up has the back of a person standing at a fork in the road. There is a sign with 2 arrows, each pointing a different way.

To the left says “Your Life” and to the right says “No Longer an Option”. The person is going towards the left side. The top of the card says “Don’t Look Back”. When I got ready to write in it, I decided that it was a good card to write to myself… You know, like how The Biggest Loser contestants talk to their “former” self in the videos that they see near the finale?

This was something I had never done. I wrote:

“Dear Kristin,
I know you are ready to get along with your life and stop looking back. I am very proud of you, Kristin, and I know that you are strong and will get over binge eating disorder that seems to have control over you. You are strong. You can only eat when you are hungry.

Food won’t be in control of you, but you in control of what you put in your mouth and when. It was a very huge step for you to admit everything to Rob and even bigger to make an appointment to get help. I am so proud of you! This disorder will not hang over your head anymore. You will be the one in control and you will move forward in your life.

Food will no longer be in your thoughts on a consistent basis. You will think about food when you are hungry and your body will let you know when it requires nourishment.

You can do this! You will help others in your quest for winning. You will win!

By admitting this and asking for help, you’re made an important change in your life. Again, I am so very proud of you and I have complete confidence that you will overcome binge eating disorder. You can do it!

I believe in you and I love you,

I woke up on Friday and started calling other therapists on my insurance. No luck with getting any other appointments that day. It was just going to be me and C. (a therapist who I had an appointment with that day). Leslie called while I was putting on makeup and I told her I couldn’t talk because I had an appointment that I was getting ready for. She asked if everything was all right and I told her that it was going to be all right, but that I really needed to go. She asked, “Do you have cancer? Are you suicidal?” I told her “no” to both and said that I would tell her what was going on when I was ready.

It is difficult holding everything in because I don’t know what people might say. Will they think I am weird? Make fun of me? Judge me? Make a bigger deal out of it than it really is? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels like the out of control feeling is much larger than I am – how scary is that?

Today wasn’t one of my best days. I had breakfast and was all set to eat the lunch that Rob packed me when eating at Lopez’s entered my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the Mexican food I could eat there. I couldn’t get the damn restaurant out of my mind. I decided I was going to go.

The only person I knew that would be up for fatty Mexican food is S. I emailed her and sure enough she agreed. I ate a ton of chips – In fact, we both ate 2 baskets of chips. I ordered my usual #5: puffy queso thing, beef taco, and cheese enchilada. I guess it could have been worse, but I couldn’t order more food than that while being in public.

Imagine all the stares I would get. I actually felt sick to my stomach after eating so much though. I have just been doing so good the past 9 days and it upsets me that I gave into Mexican food.

Usually I would have the mentality that since I already ate badly once, why stop there? This time it was different. I’m totally craving popcorn and candy right now. I haven’t given into it because I am not hungry. I think I am just bored. I’m trying so hard not to eat it because I know before that I would have give in and stuffed myself to the core… Not this time though.

Apparently Rob wrote me a note on the napkin he put in my lunch. When I got home he asked me about it and I didn’t want to tell him that I had Lopez’s, so I told him that I didn’t even look at my napkin. I hate lying to him about things that involve food, but it was better than telling him that I had Mexican food.

I know that binge eating disorder causes me to lie about things because I’m so scared of people finding out “my secret”. I feel like I have become such a liar – or at least I’m not-so-honest all the time. At times I feel like I don’t even know who I am. It’s like I have to keep up with this secret identity and that is very scary.

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Leave A Reply (8 comments So Far)

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  1. Olga
    3 years ago

    Wow, it is nice to know that someone else is going through what I am going through. No one else understands. They ask “why do you do that to yourself”. I can loose weight for a wedding or something, but once it is over, I binge every day. Its really bad at the moment because I am anxious of a new job i will be starting next week. But i weigh myself and actually feel Ha, there you go, thats what you get and I keep going all the same.

    I have your e book, so I must actually read it this time.
    But thanks for your blog, nice to know Im not alone as you say

  2. Karen Bargell
    3 years ago

    I just purchased your ebook and am on Chap. 7 so I am in the early stages of the process. I have received an email from you each day and I love getting them- they seem so personal. My major problem is with sugar(candy,cookies,cake,etc) and pastries. So I have often thought it was an addiction, but maybe it is a combination of both (addiction and BED). I can identify complrtrly about eating alone and also about going to drive-ups but I order all SWEETS/pastries. And devour them like there is no tomorrow! Afterwards I ply myself with the guilt and disgust! I am like you stated- ” I just want to be/eat normal with all food. Thanks for listening to me. Karen

  3. Jessica Binkley
    3 years ago

    Thanks Kristin! Your journal entries remind me of where I used to be and how far I have come through lots of dedication, therapy, and hard work. I love reading your entries because I am not alone! It is so reassuring. I just purchased your book and I am going to read it this summer. We can do this! We can be free! It just takes some patience and time. Much love and respect everyone :)

  4. lucy
    3 years ago

    Wow, kris you where I am and I just feel like crying. All the skinny people all they talk about is what not to eat cause Its fattening etc and I dont have that kind of control and it kills me. Why me ? Ur right why did it have to be food? Ok im going for therapy, I cant do this alone, I just feel so wrong.

  5. Kristin Gerstley
    3 years ago

    @Olga – Truer words have never been spoken – No one understands why a person binge eats. It’s just one of those things that you have to experience to understand. I’m so sorry that you are bingeing daily right now. Congratulations on starting a new job next week – I know that it’s a lot to take in and anxious feelings can trigger a binge. I hope that you can focus on something else to stop the bingeing. Since you are weighing yourself daily, I would stop, if I were you. I think that makes it worse :( Open my ebook and start reading!! I wish you the best and am happy to help any way I can.

    @Karen – I’m here anytime you need to talk so please feel free! Sugar is a hard one because sugar is addicting. Once you have a little, you want more and more and more. I’m curious to know if you have finished my ebook and what you have put into action as of yet. Please update me and let me know where you are so that I can try to help you out more.

    @Jessica – What a great and positive comment! I love it!! It’s nice to be able to look back and realize that you have come a long ways from where you used to be – I know that always made me appreciate my struggles and the times that I was able to overcome a binge. Keep up the great attitude and happy reading this summer!

    @lucy – Sometimes our struggles seems bigger than we are capable of handling. I think therapy sounds like a terrific first step of reaching out for you. I hope that you can find a therapist you trust and that he/she can help you overcome your struggles and binge eating. Best to you!

  6. Karen Bargell
    3 years ago

    I am on page 92 of the ebook. I read some everday plus go back and reread some parts. I am journaling and also have jotted down some affirmations which I review and / or add to. Today iI started my ‘movie’. In my journal i write down what I eat that day and how I am feeling about things.-in positive language. Kristen, thank you so much- your personal commemts help so much as, of course, does the book and the other activities/steps you reccommend!

  7. Atilla
    3 years ago

    Also the author of purge rehab diaires has a blog and one her posts explains how doctors are trying to change the dam criteria for anorexia and bulimia so weight isn’t a determining factor to being sick enough and insurances would have less of a leg to stand on with the vanity issue

  8. Janine
    3 years ago

    I can relate. Wishing I was an alcoholic, or something instead. Wishing my problem with food was to NOT eat, so at least I would be skinny.
    Reality check…those are just as bad, if not worse.

    And the sneaking around…I did something “sneaky” while my boyfriend was around. Thats the first time in 7 months that I felt like I had to sneak food with him around. Damn.

    Will it ever end? I tell myself it will. And I get renewed hope everytime, but I always seem to fall off the ladder. I’m reaching for the sky, but I cant seem to get to the next step. Ugh. Positive thingking…positive thinking…positive thinking…

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