Hi! I hope that you are having a great week! I wanted to do something different for the newsletter this week and I really hope that you will find it beneficial (and be able to relate to parts of it too). While I hear from many people that it is very inspiring for them to receive my newsletters because of motivation, I think it’s also important for you to really know where I came from before I got to where I am now.
I have been binge-free for over 7-years and I have never felt better… and I think that you know that by reading my newsletters and my blog. I’ve regained my life back and I am now the one that is in full control of food, not vice versa. I think that I do a good job of showing you what it is like to live a binge-free life (and I hope that you agree!).
I can’t help but wonder though… You need to know how I was before I got to where I am now. You need to know what it was like for me when I was struggling just like you might be… And that’s just what I want to share with you today. Of course my eBook does a great job of showing you where I came from, but for those of you who haven’t gotten it yet or just need help – Let me share a few things with you from my journal.
Most of you know that I am a firm believer in keeping a journal daily when trying to overcome binge eating disorder. It’s one of the most therapeutic things you can do for yourself. It makes your food and thought patterns apparent and gives you more precise insight to why you are bingeing. It’s just such an awesome tool!!
Well, it’s time for me to pull out some of my old journal entries and share with you just a little bit from my past… Ready?? (I’m just copying what I wrote years ago, so excuse any language, grammar, etc – It’s a journal entry, not a book
Also note that if you subscribe to my newsletter, you had a chance to read some of my other journal entries. The entires below have never been shared before…
My Binge Eating Disorder Journal Entries
I’m not sure why I have turned to food in the past. If something good happens – great, I stop and celebrate by eating. If something not-so-great happens, I will comfort myself by eating. Since none of my friends are like this, I feel so alone.
While my friends were worrying about their 26-inch waist, I watched mine grow past a 32-inch. A 32 is the largest size for jeans by most designers. Do they even know how embarrassing it is to be at Nordstroms, have 5 pairs of 32’s, and have none of them fit?
What has happened to me?
Instead of vowing to lose weight, I binge. I don’t need anyone to remind me that I’ve gained weight – I’ve got a mirror, thanks. All of my friends are skinny and they all worry if they are fat. They are a size 0 or a 2 – If they are fat at that size, what does that make me??
I am so disgusting and feel so sick. Why is my life like this? What is wrong with me? I hate my day-to-day life. I hate not having any control. I hate what I see in the mirror. I just hate it all. I feel so lost right now. No direction and no motivation. I just don’t care what happens.
I think that I just need to accept that I will always be like this. I will never get better and that’s that. I’m so frustrated with everyone and everything in my life. Is this how it is to grow up? You realize that life gets harder and become more and more confused about things that you thought you were sure of before??
I think that I’m just a messed up person – I mean there is something seriously wrong with me. How come it had to be food? Not drugs, alcohol, or even sex… at least you can abstain from those. Nope, I had to have issues with food… something I need to survive. Great. Why can’t I be normal? If I had to have a food problem, why couldn’t I at least be skinny and have lack of food?
I just ate so much food. I had a bean burrito, soft taco, nachos, cheddar peppers with ranch, tator tots with cheese, quarter pounder, fries, and a dr. pepper. Oh yeah, from 3 different places. Normal people go to 1 place, get 1 meal, and are done. Not me. I have to go to 3 places, hide the bags of food in my car, and race home. WHY??????
I absolutely hate the person I am.
I bought a card today. At first it was for Rob because I wanted to tell him thank you for being so supportive of everything. The card I picked up has the back of a person standing at a fork in the road. There is a sign with 2 arrows, each pointing a different way.
To the left says “Your Life” and to the right says “No Longer an Option”. The person is going towards the left side. The top of the card says “Don’t Look Back”. When I got ready to write in it, I decided that it was a good card to write to myself… You know, like how The Biggest Loser contestants talk to their “former” self in the videos that they see near the finale?
This was something I had never done. I wrote:
I know you are ready to get along with your life and stop looking back. I am very proud of you, Kristin, and I know that you are strong and will get over binge eating disorder that seems to have control over you. You are strong. You can only eat when you are hungry.
Food won’t be in control of you, but you in control of what you put in your mouth and when. It was a very huge step for you to admit everything to Rob and even bigger to make an appointment to get help. I am so proud of you! This disorder will not hang over your head anymore. You will be the one in control and you will move forward in your life.
Food will no longer be in your thoughts on a consistent basis. You will think about food when you are hungry and your body will let you know when it requires nourishment.
You can do this! You will help others in your quest for winning. You will win!
By admitting this and asking for help, you’re made an important change in your life. Again, I am so very proud of you and I have complete confidence that you will overcome binge eating disorder. You can do it!
I believe in you and I love you,
I woke up on Friday and started calling other therapists on my insurance. No luck with getting any other appointments that day. It was just going to be me and C. (a therapist who I had an appointment with that day). Leslie called while I was putting on makeup and I told her I couldn’t talk because I had an appointment that I was getting ready for. She asked if everything was all right and I told her that it was going to be all right, but that I really needed to go. She asked, “Do you have cancer? Are you suicidal?” I told her “no” to both and said that I would tell her what was going on when I was ready.
It is difficult holding everything in because I don’t know what people might say. Will they think I am weird? Make fun of me? Judge me? Make a bigger deal out of it than it really is? I just don’t know. Sometimes it feels like the out of control feeling is much larger than I am – how scary is that?
Today wasn’t one of my best days. I had breakfast and was all set to eat the lunch that Rob packed me when eating at Lopez’s entered my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about all of the Mexican food I could eat there. I couldn’t get the damn restaurant out of my mind. I decided I was going to go.
The only person I knew that would be up for fatty Mexican food is S. I emailed her and sure enough she agreed. I ate a ton of chips – In fact, we both ate 2 baskets of chips. I ordered my usual #5: puffy queso thing, beef taco, and cheese enchilada. I guess it could have been worse, but I couldn’t order more food than that while being in public.
Imagine all the stares I would get. I actually felt sick to my stomach after eating so much though. I have just been doing so good the past 9 days and it upsets me that I gave into Mexican food.
Usually I would have the mentality that since I already ate badly once, why stop there? This time it was different. I’m totally craving popcorn and candy right now. I haven’t given into it because I am not hungry. I think I am just bored. I’m trying so hard not to eat it because I know before that I would have give in and stuffed myself to the core… Not this time though.
Apparently Rob wrote me a note on the napkin he put in my lunch. When I got home he asked me about it and I didn’t want to tell him that I had Lopez’s, so I told him that I didn’t even look at my napkin. I hate lying to him about things that involve food, but it was better than telling him that I had Mexican food.
I know that binge eating disorder causes me to lie about things because I’m so scared of people finding out “my secret”. I feel like I have become such a liar – or at least I’m not-so-honest all the time. At times I feel like I don’t even know who I am. It’s like I have to keep up with this secret identity and that is very scary.